New Beginning
As the children laughed and giggled around the table with their stories of strength and imaginations running endlessly, I found myself wondering why as an adult I couldn’t be feel that kind of joy. I felt so stuck and like such a malcontent. As the children continued with their array of fanciful tales of combat and saving the weak, I battled myself with a mirage of excuses and wondering who would save me.
Deep in my heart I acknowledged many wounds, guilt and all those wonderful little nuggets of darkness that have kept me from feeling I truly deserve what I see in my dreams. The overwhelming sense I am damaged goods and not deserving in some way. To spare myself another disappointment, I existed in world of status quo. At times it left me so frustrated I wanted to scream. As an intelligent woman I knew better! I understood the past was only a memory. It was absurd to continue to torment myself with the past. I began questioning why I allowed myself to continue to let it weigh so much on my mind. Why I continued to let it define me as a person. Just as I felt my eyes fill with tears, more laughter from across the table. I return to reality of smiling children, empty bowls of ice cream and sticky fingers.
As the children went to play, I experienced a small glimmer of hope. I thought about the encouraging words I gave my son when he was struggling. I pondered why it was so much easier to help children use their experiences to shape their world. It was time to put my Mom hat back on for awhile and file away all the challenges and frustrations for another time.
Late evening, amidst quiet reflection over the last year and stressing about the holidays and finances, I lost myself in a conversation with God. I began asking for help to overcome the financial burden of starting from scratch following my divorce. I moved on praying for friends and family, to attempt to sort out some of my feelings, then I’m not sure where it all came from, but I let it flow. At first so much anger rolled from my lips. I felt slightly confused. As I continued, it turned in to a release of years of pain from the most insignificant to the most traumatic. All at once it was finally out. Thoughts and feelings that were buried and ignored for decades were finally realized and oddly put in perspective. I survived rape, abusive relationships, eating disorders, drug addiction, self mutilation and serious health issues.
Then an odd feeling came over me. I wasn’t sure how to deal with it, so as years of conditioning and instinct, my first response was to run away. Run away from what I don’t understand. But again, the oddness felt more comfortable. I tried to absorb it and understand what I was feeling. All the darkness that had tormented me, all the guilt, anguish, regret… it all seemed to fade away. Instead of front and center, screaming in my face, all the dark diminished itself into an old book on the back of the shelf covered in dust. There it was but replaced with hope. It was an opportunity to use all those experiences for a change for the better. It was an opportunity to share with others that perhaps hadn’t found their voice.
Not quite there yet, I attempted to take a break from all the serious thought. Some time’s I seem to think I need to conquer it all in a day! I took a moment to smile as I thought about the irony of part of my financial dilemma. Perhaps after years of counseling, maybe some of my financial relief would come in the form of me listening and believing in myself instead of an expensive counselor. I love my counselor, but for the first time in a long time, I’m beginning to feel it no longer necessary. I believe I truly hold all the answers I need to hear.
I vowed to myself from that moment the most important thing I have denied myself all these years. Forgiveness. I found myself repeating it over and over. It seems so simple yet so powerful. Forgiveness! I forgive myself for not speaking up as a child when I was raped. I forgive myself for being ashamed. I forgive myself for becoming afraid of the world. I forgive myself for thinking I needed to protect the world from my pain. I forgive myself for easing the pain by cutting, pinching and starving. I forgive myself for using drugs to numb myself. I forgive myself for placing myself in dangerous relationships because I felt I deserved no better. I forgive myself for not changing sooner. I forgive myself for living in silence for so many years.
I lived so many years with self destructive behavior, denying myself happiness, from attaining goals I desperately wanted, subconsciously placing myself in the way of harm and accepting ramifications because I felt I didn’t deserve better. I used to dwell on all the missed opportunities. Suddenly I reveled in the challenges. I envisioned turning all the adversity into a constructive means of self improvement and possibly my saving grace. I will not hide any longer. I look forward to employing all of the past I have overcome as a new opportunity. Not only to encourage and motivate me to be the best person I can become, but to challenge others to make a better life for themselves and a better world for our children.
